*** Steven Wright Jokes (II)

STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES - Part II

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I was born by Ceasarian Section ... you'd never notice notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here!"
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ... well, to make a long story short ...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". I thought "That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired".
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there and confuse the hunters.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side, and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending to push stroller) Then when the kid grows up I could say "You had a brother, but he was bad."
Why is the alphabet in that order?
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only studder in spanish.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour ... the harmonica sounds _AMAZING_.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses, so I got contacts ... The thing is, I only need them for reading ... so, I got "flip-ups".
I bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and......ooooooooo.., that's much better...
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Sometimes I ... No, I don't.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door so I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

Thanks to: Elan Tanzer for this contribution ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~