*** Steven Wright Jokes (I)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hello everyone ... This file is pretty long so I split it in half.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES - Part I
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to
reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up
with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a
submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real bored, I like
to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
I lost a button hole today.
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I met a beautiful woman the other day at Macy's. She was
shopping ... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually.....
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If
you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real
fast...
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got
pretty good... He could go under a rug...
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun...
She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking
down everything in the store..."
Last year we drove across the country... We decided to split up
the driving ... so we switched places ... every half mile. We
had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...........
I don't remember what it was...
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his
money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in...
I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had
to buy them again...
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the
study of milkmen.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key
in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the
whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A
policeman stopped me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you
live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto
the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the
cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen,
why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I
want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How
long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar
has no 'seven's on it."
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back
the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place
to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... [slow glance upward]
This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along
the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
It took me 4 years to write that joke .... I didn't know how to
word it...
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do
anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and
off......One day I got a call...... it was from a woman in
Germany.......she said "Cut it out"......
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the
ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid
of widths.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me...I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you
going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds
later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in
downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the
kind of guy I want to hang around with.' So we got into his car
and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang.
He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'...the
other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The
guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your
bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
university you attended said that they recieved none of the
$17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to know what happened
to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight.
I gave all of the money to my friend Judas Casey. He used it to
build a nuclear weapon and I would really appreciate it if you
would stop calling me.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark til he was eight years old.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call
him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL
IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now
when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If
you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light,
and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said
'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want to work for you then'.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you
sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new
song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a
flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so
they called the cops.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here,
you can go.'
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants ... so I water them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was
supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.
I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
I had a dream the other night that all the babies prevented by
the Pill suddenly showed up....boy, were they pissed!
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening
in front of it in only eight minutes...
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?'
and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I
don't think so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait...'
Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my
shadow.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks
on.' I said 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I
go by thickness.' ...
... Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you
know when you're rocking back in a chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.'
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that
means it's going to be up all night.
Thanks to: Elan Tanzer for this contribution
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
