HOW MEN CAN COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH WOMEN

In communicating, how you say it is often as important as what you say. Psychologist Lillian Glass offers these suggestions for men:
* When listening to a woman, give her more immediate feedback when she's talking.
* Smile more. If you're interested in someone, let her know it.
* Ask the woman questions when trying to stimulate conversation; don't launch into a monologue or a lecture.
* In a conversation, respond to topics that a woman brings up. Don't try to change the subject and don't interrupt.

HOW WOMEN CAN COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH MEN

Women usually have better communication skills than men, but Glass offers these pointers:
* Try to talk about more things men enjoy, such as sports, news events, automobiles, the arts and music.
* During arguments, don't bring up past problems. Stick to the issues at hand and try to resolve them.
* If a man has problems opening up, don't push him to talk. Otherwise, it sounds like you're nagging. Let him know you're there for him, and that whenever, he would like to talk, you will be ready to listen.
* Don't drop your head and look up when you talk. It makes you look subservient and "victimlike." Your eyes should be level with his eyes.

- Cox News Service

A woman-man phrase book

IN HIS book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," psychologist John Gray explains that Venusians (women) don't like to ask directly for support, but when they ask indirectly, Martians (men) perceive it as nagging. Here is a brief guide to commonly misunderstood phrases:
TRANSLATIONS FOR MEN
	• What she says: "We never go out."
	What she means: "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have a fun time, and I love being with you. Would you take me out to dinner?"
	• What she says: "Everyone ignores me."
	What she means: "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I suppose I am disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I start to feel I am not important to you."
	• What she says: "I am so tired, I can't do anything."
	What she means: "I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good job and that I deserve a rest?"
	• What she says: "This house is always a mess."
	What she means: "Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so messy. I am frustrated and need a rest. I hope you don't expect me to clean it up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"
	• What she says: "You don't love me any more."
	What she means: "Today I am feeling as though you don't love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I'm just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love? When you do that, it feels so good."

TRANSLATIONS FOR WOMEN

• What he says: "I'm fine."
	What he means: "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my problem. I don't need any help. If I do, I will ask.
	• What he says: "It's nothing 
	What he means: "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don't ask any more questions about it."
	• What he says: "It's all right.
	What he means: "This is a problem, but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. Just act like it didn't happen, and I can process it within myself more effectively.„
	• What he says: "It's no big deal."
	What he means: "It is no big deal because I can make things work again. Please don't dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."
	• What he says: "It's no problem."
	What he means: "I have no trouble doing this or solving this problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."
- Cox News Service

Let's Talk

Story by DON O'BRIANT
Cox News Service
Illustration by SAM HUNDLEY
Mercury News

MEN and women just don't speak the same language, as this 1981 conversation between Britain's royal couple proves:
	Speaking to her fiance during his visit to New Zealand, Diana murmured. "I really miss you, darling."
	Charles' reply: "Yes, I know."
	Is it any wonder that they now are having marital woes?
	Commoners who have the same communication problems as the Prince and Princess of Wales can find help in two new books designed to bridge the gender communication gap.
	That gap is "why one out of every two marriages ends in divorce," according to Lillian Glass, a Los Angeles psychologist and author of "He Says, She Says" (Putnam, $19.96).
	"He Says, She Says" and John Gray's "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (HarperCollins, $20) explain the differences between men and women that were brought to light in Deborah Tannen's 1991 best seller, "You Just Don't Understand." They also offer practical tips for avoiding linguistic misunderstandings.
	Couples have always had difficulty communicating, says Atlanta marriage counselor Sandra Hoffman, but the added pressures of dual-career families have intensified the problem. "There is simply less time to talk.
Those who operate corporate employee assistance programs are finding that more and more of the problems being brought to them are not so much alcohol- and drug- related as it used to be, but marital and relationship problems."
	This was true for Richard and Linda Donker, who realized a little more than a year ago that their 11 year marriage was in jeopardy because of different work schedules.
	"There wasn't a lot of time for us to be together," says Donker, 37, an Atlanta hairdresser. "It was a classic situation. I expected her to completely understand what I was trying to say, but I was not listening to what she was saying. I wanted all the attention, and she felt the same way."
	Linda Donker, 46, admits that there was little time for conversation. "The child was there, the TV was on. A lot of times I just didn't say anything. And when I did, he misunderstood.
He didn't seem to realize that when I asked him to do something, I wanted him to do it then, not when he got around to it."
	As a result, most communication ceased except for the notes Linda Donker left instructing her husband to do a certain task. Donker responded by stubbornly ignoring her not-so-subtle hints. "She would take the garbage from under the sink and put it at the garage door for me to take out. It was only four or five more steps to the garbage can. I've left it there for as much as four days without saying anything."
	When communications between men and women shut down, so do other activities, Hoffman said.

Verbal foreplay

"Talk is foreplay to a woman, while men most often experience intimacy through sex," she says. "But if he's not willing to talk, there's not going to be much sexual contact."
	Women who complain about a dearth of conversation from their husbands or male friends need to realize that men don't like to talk about their emotions until they have worked them out, says Gray, a California psychologist and marriage counselor. "Whereas women start talking as soon as they have feelings. A lot of times women will talk to discover what they feel.
	"When a woman comes home and says to her husband, 'I've had a hard day' and starts reciting her problems, his reaction is: 'Why is she telling me all these problems? Does she not have solutions? Has she not thought this through?' A woman will talk about problems that have no solutions; men don't like to do that."

Taught to misunderstand

	This difference is primarily a result of how men and women have been socialized, Hoffman said. Women are taught to ask questions and try to draw men out in conversation. "Men definitely are more solution-oriented when they talk. They are more interested in getting the facts right and see communication as a means to an end."
	Often, she says, men become afraid of communicating because they feel pressured to come up with a solution to their partner's problem.
	Often, how something is said is just as important as what is said, says Glass, who taught Dustin Hoffman how to perfect his "female voice" for the movie "Tootsie."
	"A lot has to do with the tone of the voice or the way a question is phrased," she says. "A woman will say, `Why didn't you call?' A man will say, 'You didn't call.' He makes a statement. And sometimes women will end their statements with an inflection, as in a question, that makes them sound tentative, and men get the wrong impression."
	So what advice would the Beverly hills marriage counselor give to Charles and Di? 
"I'd get Charles open up a little," Glass said.  I'd tell him to stop being so sad and stop making
sarcastic jokes all the time.  Be more sensitive to his wife. If he would treat her like a princess, she would treat him like a king."