A few lessons in moral values
John Rosemond
Parenting

PEOPLE frequently ask me questions about teaching children about moral values. I thought I would have a little fun, so I took the most common of these and, after several phone calls, finally arranged an interview with myself. The transcript of that meeting of the mind follows:

Q John, we hear a lot these days about moral values, but nobody I know has ever seen one. Therefore, it makes sense to begin this interview by asking: What is a moral value?

A Good question. A moral value is a learned internal standard against which we measure the relative rightness or wrongness of behavior, our own or someone else's. The relationship between a person's moral values and his or her social behavior is a two-way street. Not only does the framework of our value system influence our behavior, but our behavior and its consequences also have a modifying effect on our moral values.

Q How do children learn their moral values?

A Initially, at least, children learn moral values by watching and listening to their parents. Later, as the child becomes more involved with peers, the values learned from his or her parents become increasingly strained by exposure to temptations, particularly during early adolescence. Whether those values stand the test of peer group pressure depends on how effectively the parents communicate them, model them and reinforce them.

Q How can parents make sure the moral values their children are learning are the ones the parents intend for them to learn?

A Supervision. If parents are going to provide effective guidance to their children they must take time to know what their children are doing, both at school and in the community, and who they are associating with. Parents who successfully guide their children into associations and activities that are desirable rather than undesirable maintain open lines of communication with their children. In turn, their children continue to listen to them and respect their opinions.

Q What can parents do, in the case of older children in particular, if the values a child is learning through contact with peers are not the values the parents want him or her to learn?

A Unfortunately, there is no cut-anddried formula for handling problems of this sort. Facing facts, there isn't always going to be a perfect match between what parents have taught a child and what the child's peers expect.
	For instance, most parents teach their children that honesty is important. Yet a child may find him or herself in a situation where, in order to remain in good standing with peers, the child is expected to lie to his or her parents.
	There isn't a teen-ager who hasn't been faced with conflicts like that, and there are times when they can be expected to go with the peer group. The occasional deviation isn't necessarily cause for alarm, except when a child is flagrantly and repeatedly rebelling against parental values, that is. By and large, that sort of pattern is usually an indication of communication problems at home, in which case family counseling would be advisable.

Q What is the biggest obstacle parents face in communicating moral values to their children?

A Themselves. The first problem is parents who don't practice what they preach. The parent who says for instance, "Always tell the truth," but then turns around and doesn't keep promises to the child. The parent who says, "Don't use drugs," but keeps a cabinet full of tranquilizers and sleeping pills. The parent who says, "It's wrong to cheat," and then brags to friends, in front of the children, about falsifying an income tax form.
	The second problem is parents who may practice what they preach too much. In most cases, when a child makes a moral error, it is sufficient for parents to say a few words of explanation and encouragement and be done with it. A few words have a better chance of sinking in than a lot.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist in private practice in North Carolina.