This is an abridged version of the "The Canonical List of Taglines". It has been edited for cleanliness and funniness. The details for aquiring the complete version are below. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge joeshmoe@world.std.com Last Update: 1995/08/02 03:20pm EST File Size: 216681 Bytes To receive an updated copy of this list: via EMAIL (one part): Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER an automatic mailer will respond. via EMAIL (multi part): Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com put the text "send taglines.multi.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER an automatic mailer will respond. users of services that limit the size of your incoming mail messages (ie. Compu$erve) should request this list in multiple parts. via FTP: This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory /pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt via WWW: Connect to LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/) Choose "Enter LaughWEB" from the introductory screen. Choose "Canonical Lists" from the main screen Choose "Taglines" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 "90% of all statistics are made up" "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." "A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost "A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson "Anything will fit if you push hard enough" "Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve "Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment." "Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg. "C++" should have been called "D" "Careful. We don't want to learn from this." -- Calvin "Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4." "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?" "Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?" -- Calvin "Every time I've built character, I've regretted it." "Freedom defined is freedom denied." -The Illuminatus "Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda. "Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?" "I believe OS/2...to be the most important OS...of all time" Gates '87 "I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly "I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV" "I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan "If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous..." "If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos "Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher "Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb. "It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."-D. Adams "Keyboard? How quaint!" - Scotty "MEOW"... "WOOF"... It's a two-litter engine! "Market wages are unfair to owners." - Bud Selig "Nietzsche is dead." --God. "No good deed goes unpunished" - Clare Booth Luce "OS/2 is the operating system of the '90s" - Bill Gates "Off the keyboard, thru the router, over the bridge, nothing but net!" "Quotations are for people who are not saying things worth quoting." "Remember when we said there was no future? Well, this is it." -- Blank Regk "Stupid" is a boundless concept. "Suicide Hotline...please hold." "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." - Mark Twain "There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain "This is a job for.. AACK! WAAUGHHH!! ...someone else." - Calvin "Try to get back on topic," he said moderately. "Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda- "Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with Velcro "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?" $$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt 'God wills it' may be answer enough, but God does not will what people will not do. 'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt ((((((((((HYPNOTIC))))))))(((((((TAG LINE)))))))) (((((This tagline in Stereo where available))))) (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail (U)nplug & (S)ell. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? (C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax. Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza (You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake) (c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. * <-- Grandpa Tribble with his cane * * * (Tribbles) e e e (Tribbles after Biology lab) * * * <- Tribbles + + + <- after the wash cycle * * * <- Tribbles 3 3 3 <- after being stuck in elevator * * * <- Tribbles R* <- Sergeant tribble * * * <- Tribbles i i i <- Tribbles with hula hoops * * * <- Tribbles o o o <- dissected tribbles * * * <- Tribbles ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ <- Tribbles in heaven * . . . . . <- Tribble Mother and Young * <- Tribble *^ *^ <- Tribbles Praying * <- Tribble II-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- <-- Tribble-kabob * <- Tribble ^+^ <- Viking Tribble ***A-A*** -- is the key to success ==/==/==/==Police tagline==/==/==Do not cross ==/==/==/== >From my brain, an organ with a mind of its own. >From the Department of Redundancy Dept. A BBSer's telephone bill knows no bounds... A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept. A Metaphor is like a Simile. A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World. A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces. A bad day on the bike always beats a good day in the office! A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed. A big enough hammer fixes anything A bird in the hand can be messy. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A camel is a horse planned by committee. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A closed mind gathers no intelligence A closed mouth gathers no feet. A committee has 6 or more legs and no brain. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned. A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket. A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? A day without radiation is a day without sunshine. A day without sunshine is like night. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. A few cans short of a six pack, Six short. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. A fool and his money rarely get together to start with. A fool must now and then be right by chance. A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you. A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it. A good pun is its own reword. A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. A hangover: the wrath of grapes. A harp is a nude piano. A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something. A library is an arsenal of liberty. A life lived in fear is half a life lived. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. A living example of Artificial Intelligence. A man needs a good memory after he has lied. A man's best friend is his dogma. A mind is a terrible thing to ... er ... hmmmm? A mind is a terrible thing to taste. A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind. A new standard in obfuscation, ambiguity, & equivocation. A penny saved is a Governmental oversight. A pessimist is never disappointed. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A rolling stone gathers momentum. A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. A single fact can spoil a good argument. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. A trip in space ends on another planet; a trip in DoubleSpace ends in a crash! A true adman writes the prose and cons. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. A yer ago I kudnt spel progremr now I are won. ASCII stupid question... get a stupid ANSI! Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Actually, cats are quite good at domesticating humans. Addams Family Thing dies - Wrists in Peace. Afraid of heights? Not me, I'm afraid of widths! After all is said and done, usually more is said. After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible. Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows. Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $1000. Alexander the Grape: He Concord the world. All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP. All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power All generalizations are bad. All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson All programers are optimists. All stressed out, and no one to choke... All that glitters has a high refractive index. All the easy problems have been solved. All things are green unless they are not. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All words are pegs on which to hang ideas. All work and no play, will make you a manager. All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait. Almost went crazy. Would have been a real short trip. Alone: In bad company. Always draw your curves, then plot the data. Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much. Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty. Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Always remember no matter where you go, there you are. Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day. Ambition is the last refuge of the failure. Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think. An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications. An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. An oyster is a fish built like a nut. An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. An unemployed court jester is no one's fool. And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light! And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. And he disappeared in a puff of logic. And it's only ones and zeros. And now for something completely different... And now for something completely the same... And now for something ruder... Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly. Anger blows out the lamp of the mind. Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch! Another great idea from the man who brought you Beer Milkshake Answers: $1 * Correct answers: $5 * Dumb looks: Free! * Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do. Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there Any wire cut to length will be too short. Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry up is not nailed down. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be! Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key. Are dog biscuits made from collie flour? Are we having Fahrvergnugen yet?? Are you really American if your ethnicity has to be hyphenated? Are you wearing a toupe or is that a TRIBBLE on your head? Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. As I said before, I never repeat myself. As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life. As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716 As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens. Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it. Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. -Dorothy B.Gates : quality software :: R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch! Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Bad Command:(A)bort (R)etry (T)ake RAM hostage Bad breath is better than no breath. Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Bald: follicularly challenged. Barium: what you do with dead chemists. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beam me aboard Scotty. <> Aye, will a 2x4 do, Captain? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it. Best file compressor around: DEL *.* (100% compression!) Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1. Beware of Geeks bearing gifs. Beware of barking dogs that bite. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. Bill Clinton is the Lyin' King. ( Now playing nation wide ) Bill Clinton thinks that Cheerios are donut seeds. Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues. Black Holes are Out of Sight Black holes suck. Black Holes were created when God divided by zero! Black clothes: Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture. Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth. Book never written: "Dog training." by Wille Bite Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage. Borg spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3 Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air. Boy: A noise with dirt on it. Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. Brain over - Insert coin Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. Break up a relationship - buy a computer!! Breathing may be hazardous to your health. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Bugs are Sons of Glitches! Bugs come in through open Windows Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers Bullets speak louder than reason. Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound. Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways. Bus error (Passengers dumped) Busier than a cat trapped in a dog pound. Busier than a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory But I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!! But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination? Buy Land Now. It's Not Being Made Any More. Buy a Pentium Pro 200 so you can reboot faster. By all means, let's not confuse ourselves with the facts! C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN DOS RUN CAT.COM started. Computer will hack furball in 5 seconds. CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy. CHIP: One California hi-way patrolman. CODING: AN addictive Drug. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer. CONgress (n) - Opposite of PROgress California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse? Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"? Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Can't learn to do something well? Learn to enjoy doing it badly! Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. Captain ... one .. harmless ... little ... Tribble? Catacomb (n.) - used for brushing cat hair. Cataholic: Can't stop bringing cats home. Catalan: Local area network for Cats. Catalog: Cats' Firewood Catalogue: How to tell one sort of cat from another. Catalyst (n): an alphabetical list of cats. Catalyze: To lie while looking cute. Catatonic (n.) - Italian beverage most preferred by cats. Catchup: A hair ball... Caterpillar: Scratching post. Catholic (n.) A cat with a drinking problem. Cats have nine lives - but sleep through eight of them. Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground. Change is inevitable, accept from vending machines. Check book: a book with a unhappy ending. Chernobyl used Windows Choose heaven for climate, hell for society. Choosy viewers choose .GIF. Christmas comes, but once a year is enough. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Civil wars aren't. Clarvoiants meeting canceled due to unforseen events. Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary. Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get. Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto... Clinton/Gore is to the presidency as Beavis & Butthead are to television. Clones are people two. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades! Close your eyes and press escape three times. Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired... Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be. Cogito ergo spud I think therefore I yam. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Come any closer and I'll use my magnet! Coming Soon!! Mouse Support for Edlin!! Committees keep minutes and lose hours. Common sense isn't... Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. Computers All Wait at the Same Speed! Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers run on faith, not electrons. Conformity obstructs progress. Confucius say too much. Confucius say: I didn't say that! Confucius say: Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes! Confucius say: Man who run behind truck get exhausted. Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools. Confuse People: Quote from the wrong message! Confused? Call Counselor Troi 1-800-NCC-1701 Confusion not only reigns, it pours. Constant change is here to stay. Contentsoftaglinemaysettleduringshipping. Couldn't myself have better it said. Courage atrophies from lack of use. Crime does not pay...as well as politics. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. D.A.D.D. - Daddies Against Dirty Diapers DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia. DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law. DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment DILATE: To live longer. DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young. DOS ERROR: Please remove cat from drive A: DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse. DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename, Dude!" DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote. DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!! Dain Bramaged. Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions. Darn! Out of tribble tags! Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Deaf, dumb, and blonde. Death benefits = oxymoron. Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats. Death is just God's way of dropping carrier. Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?' Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is natures way of telling you to slow down. Death sneaks up on you as a windshield sneaks up on a bug. Death: to stop sinning suddenly. Definition of Terror: A female Klingon having a bad hair day. Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely. Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Detour: The roughest distance between two points. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion? Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary? Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country. Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal. Discoveries are made by not following instructions. Dislexics of the world, UNTIE! Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball! Do fish get thirsty? Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. Do not disturb. Already disturbed! Do not fumble with a woman's logic. Do not put statements in the negative form. Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Do steam rollers really roll steam? Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do witches run spell checkers? Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Does killing time damage eternity? Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0? Does the name Quasimoto ring a bell? Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines. Dogs look up to us; cats look down; pigs treat us as equals Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent. Don't ask me, I have random access memory. Don't ask me, I only work here. Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go! Don't be a sexist, broads hate that. Don't be so humble, you're not that great. -Golda Meir Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't blame me, I voted Republican. Don't break my heart, my achy-breakyeaargh!uyIo~NO CARRIER Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs. Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up! Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. Don't judge a book by its mini-series. Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!! Don't just stand there...KNEEL!! Don't let school interfere with your education. Don't look at me in that tone of voice! Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. Don't mess with Murphy. Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. ... ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU CAN PANIC!! Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it. Don't press the keys so darned hard! Don't read everything you believe. Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence. Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure... Do not utilize an extraneously lengthy word where a diminutive one will suffice. Don't use no double negatives. Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo. Door: something a cat wants to be on the other side of. Down with categorical imperative! Down with ignurance! Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows! Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned. Drive A: format failure, formatting C: instead... Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream Drop your carrier, we've got you surrounded! Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system. Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me. Dying is no excuse. Nixon in 96. Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere. Dyslexics are persona au gratin. ERROR! CAT reader seems to be conflicting with the mouse. ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: {SMACK} C:\> EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle. Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines! Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it. Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong. Eat Healthy, Exercise, and Die Anyway ... Echo Trek: To boldly go off-topic where &#*@^$ NO CARRIER Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it? Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area. Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery. Enough research will tend to support your theory. Ensign Pillsbury: He's bread Jim! Enter that again, just a little slower. Equal rights in golf: Remove the ladies tee. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Eschew obfuscation. Even Mother Nature doesn't mess with Moderators. Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. Even in this corner of the galaxy, Captain, 2+2=4 ... Spock Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Even the Holodeck women turn me down: Wesley Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo? Every man's work is a portrait of himself. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone has photographic memory...some don't have film! Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. Everyone's expendable...and no one has a real friend Everything bows to success, even grammar. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue. Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high... Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes. Exploding piglets!!! My god, it's raining bacon! FATAL ERROR; SYSTEM HALTED; Press any key to do nothing. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue... FIGHT BACK! Fill out your tax forms with Roman numerals. FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine. FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. Fact is solidified opinion Facts are stubborn things. Fad: In one era and out the other. Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it. Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh. Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up. Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp.. Famous last words - You and what army? Farfignewton: a long way til the next cookie. Faster than a speeding ticket! Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator. Felinious Assault: Striking someone with a cat. Fer Sell Cheep: 1 Bran New Spel Chekker. Nevur Usd. Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate. Fife. n. Small shrill instrument that rhymes with wife. Figures won't lie, but liars will figure. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition Fine, fine, fine but do you have to save me right now? Fingers v1.0 -- The original mail processor. Fish and visitors stink in three days. Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue. Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself. Flirting with the Moderator is ALWAYS on-topic. Floggings will continue until morale improves. Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist. Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold For reply, send a self-abused stomped antelope to: For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision. For exercise, men can walk. Women talk. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. For sale cheap: Write-only memory chips. For sale, Toilet-seat cover. Barely used. Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS! Four minus two is one and the same. Fraud(n): A telephone number starting with "1-900" Free advice is worth what you pay for it Freedom is just chaos with better lighting. Friction can be a drag sometimes. Friendly fire - ISN'T ! Friends come and go, enemies accumulate. Friends don't let friends ride JUNK! Friendship is one soul in two bodies. -Frost Funny off-topic messages are always on-topic. Funny, only sensible people agree with me. GURU: One who knows more jargon than you. Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks. General stupidity error reading drive C: George Orwell was an optimist. Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up. Get the facts first - you can distort them later! Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly. Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler. Give instruction to a wise man and he will be yet wiser. Give me ambiguity or give me something else! Give me some chocolate and no one gets hurt! Go shopping. Buy Stuff. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW! God heals and the doctor takes the fee. God invented women because sheep can't cook. God made the cat so that we, for a moment, might caress the tiger. Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Graduate Of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling Gravity brings me down Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!! Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target. Guns don't kill people... death does. Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE! H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE! HARDWARE: n. The part you kick. HEY YOU!!!!!!!!! STOP YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!! HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE Hackito ergo sum. Half the lies they tell me aren't true. --Yogi Berra Hand me that crowbar... I must pry out this bullet. Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror. Happiness is a warm modem Happiness is finding special characters . Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work must have killed someone! Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? Have an adequate day. Have cursor, will curse. Have it OUR way. Yours is IRRELEVANT. At BORGerKing. Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back! He does the work of 3 Men...Moe, Larry & Curly He has Van Gogh's ear for music. He who Laughs, Lasts. He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. He who dies with the most access, wins. He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD! He who laughs last is S-L-O-W. He who laughs last probably made a backup. He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end! He who shouts the loudest has the floor. He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise. He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet. He's dim, Jed He's not dead, Jim, he's just metabolically challenged. Heads I win, tails you lose. Health food makes me sick. Hell Hath No Pizza. Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me! Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty. Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative. Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you! Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy! Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy! Help! I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap. Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! Hey, Worf...I hooked Data up to a Modem...Wanna see? Hi! I can't remember your name either. Hi. I'll be your tagline for this evening. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS High message: 9434567. Message last read: 9. Hindsight is always 20/20. Hit any user to continue. Hm..what's this red button fo:=/07-- to continue... Press all the keys at once to continue... Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press on a small rodent's head to obtain file. Procrastination Day Has Been Postponed! Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry. Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday. Profanity is one language all programmers must know. Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark. Program too small to fit into memory. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Programmers don't get sniffles, they get a CODE. Programming is an art form that fights back. Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Prosecutors will be violated Prune: A plum that has seen better days. Psychiatrists stay on your mind. Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots. Puns are bad, but poetry is verse. Purring - an automatic safety valve for happiness overflow. Push the limit, and the limit will move away! Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Quasimodo is a dead ringer. Queen Elizabeth rules, UK? Question Authority, ask me anything RENTAL CAR: The only *TRUE* all-terrain vehicle. Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Radioactive halibut will make fission chips. Read the dictionary backwards and look for secret messages. Read what I mean, not what I write. Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. Real Trekkers work out at the He's Dead Gym. Real men don't set for stun. Real men write self-modifying code. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons Reality is always more conservative than ideology. Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. Reality seems to be a constant intrusion on my dreams! Recovery program for excessive talkers: On-and-on-Anon. Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned. Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP Breathing Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car. Reformat Hard Drive! Are you SURE (Y/Y)? Religion without heart is enslavement. Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. Remember, Subaru spelled backwards is U-R-A-BUS. Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens Round, round, sit around, I sit around! Rubber bands have snappy endings! Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home! S met ing's hap ening t my k ybo rd . . SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions SENILE.SYS found. Not enough memory. SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut. STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work. STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere! SYSTEM ERROR: press F13 to continue... Same to you and whatever you meant by that! Santa uses 'The Club' in New York, a vest in Florida. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Sarcasm: barbed ire. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Scaldophobia: Fear the toilet will flush while showering. Scotty, HURRY! Beam me u^&NO CARRIER Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable. Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. Seen on BBSer's tombstone: CONNECT 1953, NO CARRIER 1994 Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor. Send $20 and I will double your IQ or no money back. Serfs up! - Spartacus Set laser printers to "stun". Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven! Shareware: forget the manual...phone the author at home! She had more Chins than the Chinese phonebook! She was another one of his near Mrs. Shell to DOS...come in, DOS...do you read...over? Shh! Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wuntime errors! Shift happpens. - Doppler Shift key? this keyboard is an automatic! Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Shoplifters with the runs take Clepto Bismol Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death. Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden? Show me a sane man. I'll cure him for you. Sign on Pavlov's door: Please don't ring bell Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS. Silence is more eloquent at times than words. Silly wabbit, .QWKs are for kids. Simon says: don't be so suggestible. Sir Lancelot, you have chain mail in Knight's Conf Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them. Skiier: Avalanche looking for a place to happen. Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine. Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to. Smiley faces were meant to be annoying. Smoking cures weight problems...eventually. Smoking is a leading cause of statistics. So simple, a child could do it. (Child sold separately) Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty. Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software. Solution: A more subtle problem. Some People, like Flowers, Give Pleasure Just by Being. Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield. Some days, nothing goes left. Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under... Some nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men Some people act crazy, others aren't acting. Some people approach every problem with an open mouth Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths Some people are so stupid that you need to repeat yourself. Some people are so stupid... Some people like learning Eskimo, but I can't get Inuit. Some things have got to be believed to be seen. Someone threw a beer at Clinton. He dodged it. No doubt a draft. Sometimes the best defense is a skillful surrender. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference! Sorry, the virtual reality check bounced. Sorry... my mind has a few bad sectors. Sound Blaster Pro - A professional way to blow your ears Southern DOS: Dooooo Whuuuuuut now? Shonuuuuff? (Y/N) Southern DOS: Hon, you fixin' to run outta space... Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope) Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so. Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Spell chequers dew knot work write. Stand on the toilet, get high on pot. Start a download. Get a beer. Multi-tasking! Steal this tagline and I'll tie-dye your cat! Stop talking! I'm out of aspirin! Strike any user when ready. Subdominant: Chief officer aboard a submarine. Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest. Supernovae are a Blast Supertonic: Schweppes (Diatonic: Low-calorie Schweppes.) Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! System halted. There is NOTHING you can do. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Tact: making a point without making an enemy. Tactics: breathmints for dyslexics Tagline (n): 1) High technology bumper sticker. Taglines can be more interesting than messages! Take a bite out of crime .. Abolish the IRS! Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. Take two crows and caw me in the morning Talk about memory! This system even has a sense of guilt! Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand. Tax rich bachelors heavily. Why should they be so happy? Taxation is little more than legalized extortion. Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Taxes still too low? Vote democrat in 2000 Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target. Tennis in the Bible: "Moses served in Pharaoh's court..." Tennis is not my Racket. Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke. Thank you very little. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. That that is is not that that is not. That was ZEN -- this is TAO That's inches away from being millimeter perfect. The Borg assimilated me & all I got was this stupid T-Shirt! The Czech's in the mail. Sending Frenchman by FAX. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry! The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready! The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT. The Majority is never right unless it includes me. The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!" The Moderator is NOT God! God has mercy! The PARITY CHECK is in the E-MAIL... Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it. The ballot is stronger than the bullet. The behavioral scientist pulls habits out of rats. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. The best defense against logic is stupidity. The best defense is to stay out of range. The best substitute for experience is being sixteen. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s} The best way to keep friends is not to give them away. The best way to win an argument is to be right. The bigger they are, the harder they hit you. The brain you have reached is out of order at this time. The buck doesn't even slow down here! The calm confidence of a Christian with four Aces. - M.Twain The cat that ate the ball of yarn....had mittens! The cigarette does the smoking, YOU'RE just the sucker!! The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up! The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. The cream rises to the top. So does the scum... The days of the digital watch are numbered The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded. The drunker I sit here, The longer I get. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The fecal material has hit the air circulating device. The first myth of management is that it exists. The first step to making a dream come true is to wake up The future isn't what it used to be. The girl of your dreams is unavailable except in print. The guy who writes all those bumper stickers HATES New York. The hangman let us down. The irony of life is that no one gets out alive... The large print giveth and the small print taketh away. The little engineer that could The longer the title, the less important the job. The man who begins many things finishes few. The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you The most expensive component is the one that breaks. The name is Baud......, James Baud. The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation. The option to override self-destruct expir@^%i@&$#NO CARRIER The patient's taken a turn for the nurse. The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law. The pendulum has gone full circle. The road to success is always under construction. The secret of the universe is~~*#~** FF * NO CARRIER The strength of women is psychology cannot explain them. The tuna doesn't taste the same without the dolphin. The ultimate reason is "because." The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. The whole world is about three drinks behind The wise open their minds, but a fool opens his mouth. The world is a cynic's playground. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. The world is so big and so global now. The worst day fishing is better than the best day working. The worst thing about censorship is **************************. The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions. There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither. There are no atheists in the foxholes. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988) There is an exception to every rule, except this one. There is much Obiwan did not tell you. There is no dark side of the moon. Really. There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear. There is no vaccine against stupidity. There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!" There will be no last bus tonight. There's more than one way to scan a cat. There's my way, and then there's the easy way. There's no future in time travel There's no life after death. Just Los Angeles. There's one in every crowd and they always find me. Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary. These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions. These shoes look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs. They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! Things are getting worse. Please send chocolate. Things working well, no problems. Time to upgrade. Think "HONK" if you're a telepath Thirty-nine is a nice age for a man, especially if he's over 40 This Charlie Brown must have been a very wise man. This Country Needs Group Therapy. This building is so high, the elevator shows movies. This country needs more unemployed politicians. This country was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns! This door is baroque; please call Bach later. This is Borg. is futile is inevitable This is a Tagline mirror> for silly ICONS? WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs WORK: Something to do between breaks. WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann?? WYTYSYDG...............What You Thought You Saw, You Didn't Get Wait! Clinton's "How to Serve Taxpayers" -- it's a COOKBOOK! Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit Wakko of Borg: Heeeeeeellllllllo Collective! Walls impede my progress Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything! Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. Wanted: Volcano. Average size. Must be active. Warning: CLINTON.COM contains the STONED virus! Warning: Politicians can be hazardous to your wealth. We all live in a yellow subroutine. We are not a clone. We give nothing as willingly as our advice. We live in a quiet neighborhood - they all use silencers. We now return you to your regularly scheduled flame-throwing We put up with being surpassed more easily than with being equaled. We secretly replaced the dilithium with Folger's Crystals... We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress... We take drugs very seriously at my house... We used to write taglines with pencil & paper, my son. We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous. We're all in the same boat: I fish, you row. We're lost, but we're making good time. We're staying together for the sake of the cats. Welcome to New Zealand, set your watch back 20 years. Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name. Wesley Crusher, please report to airlock 5! What I lack in restraint, I make up for in remorse. What am I doing out of bed!?!? What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What do batteries run on? What does ignorant mean? What does this red button do? What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. What goes up has probably been doused with petrol. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull. What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? What if there were no hypothetical situations? What is Clinton's first name? I know who Hillary is...... What is Life? It's the cereal Mikey likes. What you enjoy is much more important than what you have. What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'furniture. What's another word for 'thesaurus?' When I gave her the ring, she gave me the finger. When I play in the sandbox, the cat covers me up! When I tried to take an ego trip I got stopped at the border When I was a kid, I was an imaginary playmate. When a New Yorker looks as if he's suntanned, it's probably rust. When in doubt, think. When it comes to humility, I'm the very BEST there is! When money talks there are few interruptions. When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry" When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose. When you come to a fork in the road, take it! When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger. Where does the fire go when the fire goes out? Where is Carmen, San Diego? Where there's a whip there's a way. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Which way to Castle Anthrax? Who is "they" anyway? Who is Art, and why does life imitate him? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Who needs Valium when you have a cat you can pet! Who needs comedians? Journalists are much more laughable! Whoa! Error finding error not found error. Why am I asking all these things? Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are you wasting time reading taglines? Why blame Clinton? He hasn't done a darn thing. Why build a wall round a cemetery when no-one is going to get out? Why build a wall round a cemetery when no-one wants to get in? Why can't we just spell it orderves? Why can't women put the toilet seat back up? Why did Kamakazie pilots wear helmets??? Why do drivers of 4x4's slow down for speed ramps? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow? Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them? Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left? Why does ravel and unravel mean the same thing? Why does the beginning of your sentence end up in the middle of mine? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why drink & drive when you can smoke & fly? Why get even, when you can get odd? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Why is "easy listening" so hard to listen to? Why is the cat sitting on my head? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled "palindromeemordnilap"? Will Rogers never met the Clintons. Will answer mail for food. Windows N'T: as in Wouldn't, Couldn't, and Didn't. Windows NT: The world's only 80 megabyte Solitaire game! Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE] Windows is the best GUI - It always sticks! Windows would look better with curtains. Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN! Windows: XT emulator for an AT. Winning isn't everything - but losing SUCKS! Winston Peters, a rebel without a caucus. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate? Without Time, everything would happen at once. Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless.. Woman's mind is cleaner than man's; it changes more often Women do come with instructions; ask them. Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them. Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due Would I ask you a rhetorical question? Writer's Rule #2: About those sentence fragments. Xerox never comes up with anything original anymore. You are nobody until you have been ignored by a cat. You are only young once, but you can be immature forever. You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred. You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it. You can't have everything...where would you put it? You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. You go to heaven...God sneezes... What do you say? You have a fine personality..but not for a human You have to be sharp to be on the cutting edge. You have two choices for dinner: Take it or Leave it. You look like a million dollars. All in loose change. You look like something the cat refused to drag in. You need professional help. May I suggest Jack Kevorkian? You want computer jokes? Ok: IBM, NEC, DEC, Microsoft... You wearing a toupe or is that a tribble on your head? You were destined to read this tagline at this moment. You will never be younger than you are today.. You're not losing more hair, you're gaining more scalp. You're not paranoid if everybody is really after you. You're trying to pull a clinton, aren't you? You've certainly got smooth skin - between the wrinkles, that is. You, you, and you, panic. Everyone else, come with me. Your analyst has you confused with another patient. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder! Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art. Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age. [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] [Oh dear! They've sealed this tag in carbonite!] [Please insert a quarter in Drive A: for the next tagline.] [incredibly rude and childish comments deleted] ________UUU_c.+_ ________Bill Clinton in 3.5 years hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? printf("to C or not to C...that is the question/n");