SUBJ: Steven Wright Jokes
Contributed to HumourNet by Shawn King

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now
everything in my house is shiny.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
[slow glance upward]

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on
the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do,
I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and
down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it
said, "Cut it out."

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark
til he was eight years old.

He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call
him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN
THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when
I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep
good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini
locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's
on the escalator."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...
with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks
under a bridge...you can't hear him talk."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the
hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She
said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down
everything in the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the
driving...every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to
on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his
money? ...He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to
put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had
to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key
in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the
whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman
stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'...
I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of
a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the
hell out of my driveway."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen,
why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I
want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long
have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no
'seven's on it."

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it
says one mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be
up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription
for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I
got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...
it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are
you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said "the whole time."

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She
said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a
left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity
I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told
you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said
"Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big
buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind
of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you
couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes...

I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you
know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I
wasn't going to be out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new
song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I
had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed
to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the
ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of
widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When
I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first
I..... I just.... to make a long story short..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were
they mad!!

(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in
Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out
of town, they mail it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think
so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not
Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't
right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and
replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I
couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said,
"Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He
said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except
that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi,"
and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she
said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I
asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I
don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell
your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well,
my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish
cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise.
My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's
called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not
Raking 'Til Spring.'

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If
you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I
pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?"
He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later,
the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown
Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of
guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out
to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get
it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is
this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have
missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said
that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just
like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll
give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend
Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would
appreciate it if you never called me again."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh,
that's much better...

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the
time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea
shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe
you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of
bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't
doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the
street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my
head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking
the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with
a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking
straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't
get it...

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