Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. Is it weird in here, or is it just me? I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?Back to the headers list.A-B-C-D... The guy who wrote that wrote everything. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. One night my apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with an exact replica. Seriously. I called my roommate in and said, "Look at this. Everything has been replaced with a replica.' He said, "Who are you?"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".Back to the headers list.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.Back to the headers list.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."Back to the headers list.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.Back to the headers list.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman". Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". I went to an inconvenience store. Everything was on the top shelf.Back to the headers list.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny. I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil. I invented the cordless extension cord. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens on it." I once put instant coffee in a microwave oven... Almost went back in time.Back to the headers list.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.Back to the headers list.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."Back to the headers list.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real." In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it. All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a megaphone. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."Back to the headers list.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy. I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." What's another word for Thesaurus? I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."Back to the headers list.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down. When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.Back to the headers list.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George. My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.Back to the headers list.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..." When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."Back to the headers list.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.Back to the headers list.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.Back to the headers list.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!Back to the headers list.
I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since. My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.Back to the headers list.
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the government." I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who *really* built the pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again." One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..." Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you. A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you." I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."Back to the headers list.
--- other miscellaneous one-liners ---
One night I came home very late. It was the next night. I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter." I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over. I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one? I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt. Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting. I took a baby shower. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I washed mud, off of mud. How young can you die of old age? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. On the other hand... You have different fingers. I can levitate birds. No one cares. Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! What do batteries run on? Are there any questions? I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Smoking cures weight problems... eventually... I bought some powdered water... but I don't what to add to it. I washed mud, off of mud. Four years ago...No, it was yesterday. Today I...No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I...No, I don't. Is "tired old cliche" one? I read the dictionary once. I thought it was the world's longest poem.Back to the headers list.
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows. (Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part. My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though. My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary. Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad! The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?" Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks. I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it." I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter... I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. Then the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this (body jerks and shakes). I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday." You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? I'm like that all the time. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.Back to the headers list.
Thanks to Loren Scott and Donald Lehnhoff for supplying me with some jokes I did not have.
If you would like to find out more about Steven Wright then the place to go is the Internet Movie Database (or directly to their page with information about Steven Wright).
This page is maintained by yours truly, Fred Bowden (my home page is Fred's World). If you have any comments or any additional Steven Wright jokes then I can be contacted by sending email via the web. This page was last updated on the 19th of December 1996.
This page has been visited 3269 times since 14/11/95.