THE DAILY LAUGH - ISSUE 627 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heaven again A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After awhile, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate. As he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- AVAILABLE A man was going to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- 1. The best way to get even is to forget... 2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death... 3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts... 4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight... 5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth... 6. Unless YOU can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God isn't such a good idea! 7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up... 8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways. 9. Words are windows to the heart. 10. A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery. 11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill. Just add a little dirt. 12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person. 13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground. 14. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them. 15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it. 16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you. 17. You have to wonder about humans. They think God is dead and Elvis is alive! 18. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck... 19. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher. 20. And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings?, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!! Keep smiling!!!!!..and ....if you see someone's missing one....give them one of yours!! :-) ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- WHY A MAN CAN'T WIN If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.. If you don't work enough, you're a good for nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that's favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you;re a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you are proud of your achievements, you're self-centered. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- Profession A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- Give Me Two Reason Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- AFGHAN CHRISTMAS Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave. The turbans were hung by the firepit with care, In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there. The soldiers were restless without any beds, While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads. Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap, Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter's nap, When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter, I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter. Away from the racket I ran like a girl, Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl. The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow And lit up the valley with an ominous glow, When, what to my one good eye should appear, But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear. And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push, I knew in an instant it must be George Bush. More rapid than eagles his forces they came, And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names; "Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul! We come for you now; we've taken Kabul! To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves! When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!" As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly, When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky. As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around, Osama was there, disguised in a gown. He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes, And he said he would flee while I held off his foes; A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack, He said "I'm going to Baghdad and I'm not looking back!" His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear; The American bombs, they rang in his ears. He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled, But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head. I watched with cold fear as his body did slump; The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump. And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed, About to suffer a fate I could not avoid; I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help, His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp! I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran, But you were too arrogant to understand, I told you to honor your neighbors and wives; Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives! You invoke My name to sanction your deeds, But you are the last thing that this world needs. And so, I'll send you and bin Laden to Hell." The last words I heard, as the bombs fell, Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall, "One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!"