Remarkable Quotes of Remarkable Jews: 
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve immortality through not dying - Woody Allen 

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada - David Steinberg 

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.  - George Burns 

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up.  They have no holidays. - Henny Youngman 

Don't be humble;  you are not that great.- Golda Meir 

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. - Sam Levenson

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. - Joe E. Lewis 

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Jackie Mason 

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man id Jewish. - Richard Lewis

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. - Jules Farber 

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found. - Lenny Bruce

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.  He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! - Calvin Trillin

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. - Golda Meir 

Humility is not substitute for a good personality. - Peter Malkin 

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Fran Lebowitz 

God will pardon me.  It's His business. - Benjamin Disraeli 

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. - Heinrich Heine

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Sam Goldwyn 

Marriage is a wonderful institution.  But who wants to live in an institution? - Sam Goldwyn 

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. - Groucho Marx 

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. - Oscar Levant 

Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. - Mort Sahl 

I don't want any yes-men around me.  I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. - Samuel Goldwyn