LABLaughsClean - December 09, 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred taliban." Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying works tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- TOP TEN SAYINGS OF BIBLICAL MOTHERS 10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8) 9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons! 8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper! 7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace! 6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day! 5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays! 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11) 3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17) 2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?! and the number 1 of the Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers 1. Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn? ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- BUMP A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, 'Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. Don't you remember, about halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic?! ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- GOD WORKS IN WONDERFUL WAYS The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- QUICK JOKE Q. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas (Home of Former President Clinton) to 32? A. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- THREE WISHES A big-time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes." "Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator said as visions of expensive, fast cars paraded through his head. "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back in." "Sorry," said the fish, while struggling for breath, "only three wishes." The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought, he said, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes." "Only three," murmured the fish weakly. Fuming the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the man decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, give me the three wishes." Unfortunately, the fish was dead.` ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- Days To Be Absent Dear Pastor: You often stress attendance at worship as being very important for a Christian, but I think a person has a right to miss now and then. I think every person ought to be excused for the following reasons and the number of times indicated: Christmas (Sunday before or after) New Year (Party lasted too long) Easter (Get away for holidays) July 4 (National holiday) Labor Day (Need to get away) Memorial Day (Visit hometown) School Closing (Kids need break) School Opens (One last fling) Family Reunions (Mine & wife's) Sleep late (Saturday night parties) Deaths in Family Anniversary Sickness (One per family member) Business Trips (A must) Vacation (Three weeks) Bad Weather (Ice, snow, rain, clouds) Ball games Unexpected Company (Can't walk out) Time changes (Spring ahead; fall back) Special on TV (Super Bowl, etc.) Pastor, that leaves only two Sundays per year. So, you can count on us to be in church on the fourth Sunday in February and the third Sunday in August unless providentially hindered. Sincerely, A Faithful Member ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- BEATEN LAWYER A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- SPELLING CHEQUER Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea, It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- THE RACE At a school picnic, my son asked me if I'd participate in the relay games with him. I told him I would and to let me know when they were to begin. As soon as the gunnysack race was announced, Tim came bounding across the field and shouted, "Mommy, hurry! It's time for the old-bag race, and we're all waiting for you." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- READ THIS We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.