LABLaughsClean - 24 May 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK JOKES: The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee. The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors. Why is it the loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- MEN, WOMEN AND ATMS HIM: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt 5. Pull Away HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it. 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- HICKBONICS The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary: HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?" BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country." DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!" BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf." SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see." VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- MERCEDES BENZ DRIVING TEST 1. Before changing lanes you should: (A) signal. (B) check. (C) both a & b. (D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b. 2. The top light on a traffic signal is: (A) red. (B) yellow. (C) green. (D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway. 3. The speed limit in a residential area is: (A) 35 MPH. (B) 25 MPH. (C) 45 MPH. (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want. 4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) slow to a walking pace. (B) go around the block. (C) stop. (D) speed up and honk your horn. 5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) maintain your speed. (B) slow a little. (C) slow a lot. (D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn. 6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane: (A) never. (B) when there is a left turn arrow. (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M. (D) When ever you damn well feel like it. 7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you: (A) must stop. (B) may pass on the left after checking. (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH. (D) use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left. 8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should: (A) pull to the right and stop. (B) pull into the nearest car wash. (C) roll down your windows. (D) turn up the radio and ignore it. 9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station: (A) never. (B) when the doors are closed. (C) if there are no police around. (D) when you have missed your turn. 10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should: (A) relax. (B) watch the signal. (C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front. (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone. 11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal: (A) two blocks before turning. (B) two car lengths before turning. (C) two miles before turning. (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him. 12. A U-turn in a business district is legal: (A) only at an intersection. (B) always. (C) never. (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers. 13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted: (A) never. (B) on Sunday. (C) if there is a fire hydrant. (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes. 14. What is your annual gross income: (A) $10,000-20,000. (B) $20,000-40,000. (C) $40,000-80,000. (D) $80,000 and up. Scoring If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice. If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest. If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW. Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.