LABLaughsClean - 22 May 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK JOKES: The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- REAL ADS 1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home. 13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 14. Great dames for sale. 15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated. 18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment. 21. Man, honest. Will take anything. 22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. 23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person. 24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 26. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- YOU'RE PROBABLY AGED 25 TO 35 IF... You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist. You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool. You remember LeFreak by Chic. In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up." "All-skate, change directions" means something to you. In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video. You actually know who Rick Springfield is. You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon. Bo and Luke Duke. There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together. Knickers and leg warmers were cool. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day. You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room. You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost. The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna. You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding. You know who shot J.R. This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear. You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly. You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German. Feathered hair. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- HARVARD ENTRANCE EXAM--FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION Time Limit: 3 WKS 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.