LABLaughsClean - March 25, 2002 QUICK JOKE Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- BACHELORS PROBLEM Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way 'Take a clean dish and....'" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- GOOD PRESCRIPTION The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc, when she interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- TRANSFER TO CHICAGO . . . that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker said he should reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working." The first asked "What did you do there?" To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- QUICK JOKE What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- TICKETLESS TRAVELLING At the station, the three engineers each buy a ticket and watch as the three accountants only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant. When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- HMO MANAGER . . .for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO Manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in too." But as the HMO Manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- FOUR GUYS . . . one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground- I'm sick of looking at them!" A few more miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa I'm sick of looking at them!" Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- THREE OFFICIALS Three members of an investment bank: a secretary, an associate and a manager, are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they discover an ancient old antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a huge puff of gray-blue smoke. The genie says, "I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!" Poof! She's gone. In absolute astonishment the associate shouts, "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseur, an endless supply of food, drink and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," says the genie to the manager. The Manager calmly says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- BANK LOAN She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the women returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The women replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- EYE TREATMENT Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- EGYPT AHEAD Recently some archeologists in England dug 200 meters underground and found old copper and wires. British scientists concluded that 2000 years ago their ancestors were using telephones. Archeologists in France dug 300 meters underground and found similar material. French scientists concluded that 3000 years ago their ancestors were using high-tech telecommunications systems. Archeologists in Egypt dug 500 meters in the desert under the Pyramids of Giza, and found nothing. Egyptian scientists concluded that 5000 years ago their ancestors were already using mobile phones. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding. "Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- THE TRAINEE A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- PONDERINGS... 1. Why does a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Why is it in drugstores, does the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.. 3. Why do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 4. Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 5. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 6. Why do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 7. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 8. Why do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- THE COW An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students: The bird I am going to write about is the Owl. The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat. I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow. The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk. The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with. Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true. The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country. The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal. The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass. The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- I NEED WATER The father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring some water?" ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-