LABLaughsClean - 22 Jan 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK JOKES If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare? Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- DICTIONARY ADDITIONS In 1831, Mr. Webster published the first dictionary of the English language. Unfortunately, he omitted several definitions - mostly those related to the daily lives of women. The following definitions, written from the viewpoint of Mrs. Webster, are to help correct that oversight. Aaaack (aak) interj An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is now. Airhead (er-hed) n What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar-bi-q) n You bought groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made dinner." Baseball Bat (bas-bol bat) n An anti-burglar device. Children (chil-dren) n What men become when they get the flu. Computer (kom-pew-ter) n The one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to. Dog (dawg) n A creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet. Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n The last two minutes of a football game. Four Food Groups (for food groops) n Chocolate, Diet soda, potato chips and ice cream. Grocery List (grow-ser-ee list) n What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Home (hom) n A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people. Idunno (i-dun-no) The child who broke your favorite vase. Jeans (jeenz) n Blue: Casual wear Black: Formal wear Kiss (kis) n A small token of affection, usually chocolate. Men's Sale (minz sal) n It's OK to get one on sale, just make sure the store has a good return policy. New Age (noo aj) n The age a woman gives instead of her real age. Opinion (o-pin-yen) n Advice you get whether you ask for it or not. Park (park) v, n Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing and slide. Pizza (peet-za) n An excellent breakfast food. Pregnancy (pre-nan-see) n You gain 30 lbs of water weight, but he says "we're pregnant." Romance Novel (ro-mans-nov-el) n A completely believable story in which an arrogant, boorish, rude, cold-hearted cad by day turns into a sensitive, caring, thoughtful, passionate lover by night. Screwdriver (skrew-dri-ver) n A hardware tool designed to be turned around and used as a hammer. Significant Other (sig-nif-i-kant uth-er) n A husband, fiance, boyfriend, or someone you've introduced to your parents. Stretch Marks (strech marcs) n Badges of honor. Teddy Bear (ted-ee bare) n A companion who gives you a hug whenever you want, never snores, doesn't bother you when you're talking on the phone and doesn't eat the last chocolate chip cookie. Valentine's Day (val-en-tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Weight Lfting (wate lif-ting) n What every woman does when she carries her baby, purse and two bags of groceries. Yippee (yip-ee) interj What a woman thinks when a man says he'll call--then does. Zillion (zil-yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway. ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- SHAKESPEARIAN INSULT KIT To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with "Thou": Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated joithead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet qualling motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlet wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail ^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.- QUICK CLAIMS Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service. The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening". The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening". The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in Tower One, of the World Trade Center. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor...."