Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention. ___________________________________________ Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. ___________________________________________ A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean? B - BASIC I - INSTRUCTIONS B - BEFORE L - LEAVING E - EARTH ___________________________________________ There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ___________________________________________ A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..." ___________________________________________ A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." ___________________________________________ GODs Miracle. "Wow, man," Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!" "Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved." "Oh," said Timmy. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow, man! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!" ___________________________________________ Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA..... ___________________________________________ Cats and Teenagers For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. ___________________________________________ BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER 1. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 2. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. 3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 4. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 5. People call at 9:00 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 7. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 8. Things you buy now won't wear out. 9. You can buy a compass for the dash of your car. 10. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM. 11. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 12. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch TV. 13. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 14. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 15. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 16. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 17. You got cable TV for the weather channel. 18. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 19. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 20. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 21. You send money to PBS. 22. You sing along with the elevator music. 23. You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn. 24. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 25. Your back goes out more than you do. 26. Your ears are hairier than you head. 27. Your eyes won't get much worse. 28. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 29. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. 30. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 31. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.