Jean-Luc saw that there was an opening at Notre Dame for a bell ringer, so he went to apply for the job. When he arrived, the head bell ringer said, "How can you do this job? You have no arms!" "Where it is true I have no arms, I have taught myself to do wonderful things without them. All I do is get a running start and crash into the bell with my head." The head bell ringer thought this was very inventive and asked Jean-Luc to give him a demonstration. They climbed to the top of the bell tower, and, just as he said, Jean-Luc backed up as far as he could and ran towards the bells. Unfortunately, he missed the bell and went hurtling down the bell shaft where he hit the ground and was instantly killed. A crowd gathered. "Who is he? Who is he?" was the question everyone was asking. Finally some said, "I don't know who he is, but his face sure rings a bell." The next day, Pierre, Jean-Luc's twin brother, appears at Notre Dame to apply for the bell ringer postion. He also was without arms, but assured the head bell ringer that he could do the job, and he was much more adept at ringing bells than his late brother. The head bell ringer thought that a demonstration was in order, so they climbed to the top of the bell tower, Pierre backed up as far as he could, and ran as fast as he could towards the bell. The same thing happened as happened to Jean-Luc. As the crowd gathered at the bottom of the bell shaft asking who was he, the same person spoke up and said, "I don't know who he is, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday." My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" If 99.9% Were Good Enough, then... Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year. 811,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year. 22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes 1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute. 12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day. 268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year. 14,208 defective PC's will be shipped this year. 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year. 2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover. 5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than a bad tire. Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago will be unsafe. 3,065 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections. 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour. 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year. 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips. $9,690 will be spent today, tomorrow, next Thursday, and every day in the future on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment. 55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months. 20,000 incorrect dreg prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months. 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year. $761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and CD's that won't play. 107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today. 315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled. - From InSight, Syncrude Canada Ltd, Communications Division A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for addressing the Y2K issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: 1. No Y2K problems 2. No technical glitches keping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Thank you. FAQs from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: What's up, Dad? Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car," that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. Dad: But your sister told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove that I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. Dad: So you are saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of the contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could catagorize it that way. Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? Son: No. No, that is not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From the President of the United States. Any of you get this letter from your kids yet? LMAO Dear Mom & Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Mary and I sent this back. Still LMAO Dear Son, We kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Mom & Dad WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY Phone conversations last 30 seconds You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase Bathroom lines are 80% shorter You can open all your own jars Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go You can go to the bathroom alone Your last name stays put You can leave a hotel room bed unmade You can kill your own food The garage is all yours You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment" You never have to clean the toilet You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes Wedding plans take care of themselves If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3 None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry You don't have to shave below your neck You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night If you're 34 and single, no one notices Chocolate is just another snack You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat Flowers fix everything (or duct tape) You never have to worry about other's feelings Three pair of shoes are more than enough You can say anything and not worry about what people think You can whip your shirt off on a hot day Car mechanics tell you the truth You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me" One mood, all the time You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him Same work........more pay Gray hair and wrinkles add character Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks You don't care if someone is talking behind your back You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's If you retain water, it is in a canteen The remote is yours and yours alone You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?" Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Chelsea. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice. --------------------------------- Finally, this posting from Nachum, a regular on our Jokes and Humor forum: TWO RABBIS IN VEGAS Two rabbis were strolling down a busy Las Vegas street and one of them noticed a store front sign proclaiming, "We'll convert you, or give you $100!" "Yitzhak, I see a great way to earn some money for charity," boasted Reb Chaim. "I'm going in there. The money is as good as ours!" "Those people can be pretty convincing, be careful," warned R. Yitzhak. "There is no way they will succeed with me!" Chaim chimed. After about ten minutes R. Yitzhak began pacing. Fifteen minutes later, he started to bite his fingernails. He was finally happy to see Chaim emerge from the store 20 minutes later. Eager to hear of his success, R. Yitzhak asked: "So, did you get the money?" To which R. Chaim flatly replied, "Is that all that you Jewish people think about?" ---------------------------